Today's post is my baby loss story. I wanted to share this with others who have been through this, as I found it helped me to find other baby loss mothers. It also helps me to write it all down, as its quite therapeutic for me. I've tried to condense it a little because I'd be here forever with all the little details.
Me and James had been trying for a while, so when we finally conceived we were thrilled. It was completely life changing and we couldn't of been more excited. We hadn't planned on telling people early on, but we had to due to someone finding out and telling people. With everyone knowing it made it more real and we had started to buy stuff.
I was just over 10 weeks pregnant when I started bleeding, I remember it so clearly. I had been out with James' family and I had just bought a pram and cot online. I didn't pay any attention to the back luck before 12 weeks myth. Then when I got home and went to the toilet I saw I was bleeding. I told my mum and I was distraught, she rang the hospital for me as she used to work there. Then I had to go and tell James, and that was such a hard thing to do.
With it being a Sunday, they didn't see me until Monday morning. I had the choice of going and staying on the ward, but I didn't see the point if they wouldn't be able to do anything until the next day. I just wanted to be with James.
When they scanned me the next day they said the baby had either died or I wasn't as far along as I thought. They kept telling me they think I just got my dates wrongs and ovulated later than I thought I did. They took blood and told me to come back on the Wednesday morning to take more, that way to could see if my hcg levels were rising enough.
On Tuesday morning I had a lot more bleeding, so I went back. They did an internal exam and said I had cervical abrasions which had nothing to do with baby and baby would be fine and not to worry.
After the blood tests on Wednesday they sent me home and said they'd call with the results, and around 1pm on Wednesday 13th February 2013, I found out that my baby had passed away. I had a missed miscarriage, so my baby had passed away but my body still thought I was pregnant.
I felt sick, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I just remember going into the bedroom to tell James what the nurse had said on the phone. We both just held each other and cried.
All I could think was;
"Why did life have to do this to us?
We had tried so hard for this baby, we wanted this so bad. Why us? What did we do to deserve this?"
I had to keep going back to get scans and blood tests until I passed the baby. I got sick of going back and forward to the hospital. I wanted to pass the baby naturally at home and I knew the stress of it all was not helping. Then, when I should of been 12 weeks, on a Saturday, I passed my baby at home. Its an image that will be forever burned into my brain.
Life was hard afterwards. I felt like it wasn't worth living. How could life be so cruel as to take such a precious thing away from two people who wanted it so badly. My depression and anxiety got worse, I could barely leave the house. My doctor diagnosed me with agoraphobia.
I hated everyone, especially those with children. I couldn't help it. Why did they deserve their children but we didn't deserve ours?
I had all this anger and I couldn't help but feel this way.
I used the Internet as an outlet. I was on forums talking to other mums who had suffered losses. Then I went on tumblr and connected with more mums. Just knowing I wasn't alone helped me tremendously, and we got each other through it. I made some wonderful friends for life on tumblr after my loss, and I know I wouldn't of been able to get through it without them.
James was a massive support to me. We really helped each other through our grief. We both grieved very differently, and didn't speak about it for a while. But now we can talk about our baby with a smile on our face. I feel grateful that I had James by my side, he was my rock and I don't think I would even be here right now if it wasn't for him.
As time went on, the anger lessened. I started to feel less bitter about what had been taken away from me, and more grateful for the short time I had. I felt like the baby had been in my life for a reason, and I might never know that reason, but I know I'm a stronger and better person for having my precious angel in my life.
We didn't know the gender, although we had always felt the baby was a girl. So we picked a name we had already liked which was gender neutral. I made a memory box that I put my pregnancy tests in and other things I had, and I write letters and put them in the box. Doing this helped me, and still does, to grieve healthily.
I still get emotional about my baby, I still get upset when I open the memory box. I have my moments of being angry about it. But I'm now at a place where I can talk openly about my baby. I think if you chose to, you should be able to tell your babies story, however brief it was.
You have to allow yourself to feel the emotions. Don't bottle it all up. Reach out to others who have experienced it, if you feel like those around you don't understand. There is an unmistakable bond between mothers who have lost a baby. We all know that pain too well.
In memory of Harley Owens 13/02/2013
