There is such a big stigma surrounding mental health whilst being a parent. I was so scared of Melody being taken away, that I suffered for 8 months before getting help. I had suffered with depression and anxiety since a young teen, so I always knew I was more likely to get postnatal depression. But after trying for so long and suffering a loss, I thought finally having a baby would be perfect, and I would be fine.
But the sad truth is, it doesn't matter how much you want your baby, or what you've been through to get there, postnatal depression can affect anyone.
I didn't understand why I wasn't happy, why I was struggling. I thought to myself; 'Why am I feeling like this?! I should be happy she's here'. I felt so guilty, and I was terrified that if I told the doctor, they would take Melody away. I felt like a failure and a bad mother.
In the end I had to see the doctor because it became too much. I remember when I walked in the doctors office, she has treated me for my mental health issues since they started so she knows me pretty well. I just sat down and burst into tears. I didn't expect to do that but I couldn't help it. I had bottled it up for so long and tried to keep it together, and it all just came pouring out. I was just a blubbering mess for about 5 whole minutes and couldn't get my words out.
But she was wonderful. She was so reassuring and helpful and made me see that I'm not a bad mum. She helped open my eyes, to see that it was something I couldn't help, but that I can get better. She also thinks I have bipolar which explains some of the other symptoms I've had. I've had my medication increased, I see the perinatal psychiatrist and also have high intensity therapy.
A lot of people I've come across have such a warped view of postnatal depression. They think if you have it, you don't love your baby or you'll harm or neglect them in some way. And while that may happen in some cases, postnatal depression is very unique to the individual and doesn't always get to that point.
I've started to come to terms with what's happening to me, and that it isn't my fault. And what's more is, I've found out that's it's more common than you'd think. I've reached out to many people and I was shocked by the number of parents with mental health problems, and the amount that were scared to get help.
I just want to say to the parents suffering out there, you are not alone. Please don't be scared in getting help for your illness. People can help you get the treatment you need so you can enjoy your time as a family. You don't have to suffer in silence.
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